Dear Colleen

Dear Colleen,
I’ve always taken my relationships very seriously,
ever since my first relationship back in eight grade.
I’ve always expected (even demanded) a great deal of
emotion linked to every relationship. I’m a huge fan
of cuddling and sharing thoughts, all those kinds of
sweet things. I’m definitely one of those girls who
doesn’t care what her boyfriend looks like, as long as
he’s as sweet as pie and just as tasty to talk to. But
here comes my problem. I recently went through a very
very rough breakup with the love of my life, who I
was… lets say very intimately attached to. I feel not
like the sweet innocent single and searching for that
perfect cutie-pie kinda girl I used to be, but instead
I’m desperately trying to get with the hottest guy
around… all the time. I’ve been finding myself doing
things I never would have even thought about doing
before with guys I’ve never even met. Is this just a
bounce-back craze? Am I just looking for the action I
miss getting from my ex? Or have I just changed to a
horny slut because I got my taste of sex and now I
just want more more more? Please please help! I’m
desperately in need!
-Desperately Lonely,
Trinidad, CO

Dear Desperately Lonely,
Life really sucks I’d have to say. I remember my
eight grade years! I used to sit by this really cute
boy in our German class. Mmm, except now he’s not cute
anymore, because he got his haircut and he’s a gothy
punk boy with a really ugly girlfriend. That happens
to a lot of boys… it bugs me to the max definitely.
And then all the ugly boys grow up to be hotties and
that bugs me too. It ticks me off when the really sexy
guys hook up with ugly girls, its all like ‘what does
this tramp have that I don’t?!’ What really bugs me is
when a guy is so gorgeous, but he’s all sensitive and
wants to like cuddle and writes me poems and stuff.
Ick, that stuff just icks me out crazy style. I just
want a guy to be big and muscley, and not try to
impress me with his big head, I think smart guys are
total turnoffs. Oh gosh, speaking of turnoffs, I can’t
stand guys with ugly teeth! Oh my gosh, some of these
guys at school really need to learn how to use a
toothbrush for gods sake! Oh my… its so annoying.
Especially when a sexy guy has gross teeth, and he all
wants to kiss you and stuff and its like ‘woah woah’ I
don’t want that crap on my teeth! I (unlike some
people) clean my teeth regularly because yellow teeth
look terrible! Especially with lipstick, gahross-ness!
Even worse when gross teeth have gross lipstick on
them! Heheh yuckers! Oh oh, so what I’m really trying
to get across to you and all my spectacular awesome
readers is make sure you brush and floss and pay
attention when you’re putting on your lipstick babes!
Catch yah on the flip side! MWAH!

Dear Colleen,
I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful
married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and
respectful with his wife. She died three months ago
after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank
suggested we date openly and talked as though we were
a couple. But, two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at
the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal
experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He
would not be more specific. I begged for an
explanation and closure. He refused to be more
specific and became defensive. We have not spoken
since. Colleen, I am still reeling from this because I
thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation
for something in the future. Friends have told me that
rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is
very common. Can you give me some insight into the
emotional dynamics of this situation?
-Former Mistress in Mourning
Brigaton, CA

Dear Mistress in Mourning,
Oh my god, this married guy totally wanted to cheat
on his wife with me this one time! I was at a carnival
and he touched me a couple times in line and said
dirty things to me, and he was wearing a wedding ring.
Ick, it was pretty nasty I’d say! I kicked him in the
go-nads so it was all good after that, ‘cause I ran
pretty fast. Speaking of surreal experiences, I had
one, but I didn’t know it until I looked up surreal in
the dictionary for my English paper. But I was running
down the street from this guy I kicked in the go-nads,
and this other guy totally shouted behind me. I turned
around and saw that it was my friend Jonathan (oh my
god is he a hottie! Yowzers) and after I turned around
a car totally crashed into the building like ten feet
behind me where I was about to run to! Isn’t that mad
freaky? Surreal even… at least I remember thinking
that after I looked it up in the dictionary. I wonder
whats going on at the mall, maybe I could get a
dictionary there. The mall has been fairly lacking in
hot guys lately, I went there to check some out and
they were all pretty gross or with gross girlfriends.
Or the skanky ones, I hate the skanky girlfriends!
Gosh, all guy are looking for in a girl is an empty
head and a full chest! Our peoples in this world are
so shallow! Oh crap, I have to go my mom just came
home and she’s flippin out crazy style, no problem
with the help lady!

Dear Colleen,
I’m so sick of the world. It seems like out of my
tight knit group of friends, I’m always the last to
know everything. In fact, I’m the last to hear
anything period! I found out this evening that my
brother has a girlfriend, one that he’s been dating
for over a year and a half. No one tells me anything,
it seems like no one is listening! It seems like I’m
not here, or not important, people just blow me off
like I’m nothing, like I’m no one. This sick cruel
world hates me. I hate it. I hate it. I just want
someone to listen to me talk, I want someone to answer
my questions. Am I crazy Colleen? I just want to feel
like someone cares, like someone feels that I’m
important, and that I shouldn’t be the last to hear
everything. What’s wrong with me Colleen?
-Lacking Self-worth

Dear Lacking Self-Worth,
I’m sorry to say, but the other two people wrote a
lot of crap about their lives. Here at this Bannana
thingy we don’t get much room to write our column
articles so I am kinda cramped on my space. I’ll get
to you next time babe, make sure you just read the
next issue. Catch yah on the flip side sweetie!